Hi my name is Amy and I am a recovering perfectionist with a fixed mindset. After listening to a handful of different personal development books and not only being in denial of my perfectionism but also justifying it I am coming to grasp with how it is holding me back. I used to wear “doing it all” as a badge of honor. I heard everyone tell me that I’d get burnt out, but I didn’t want to listen. I have super high expectations for myself and for everyone around me. I have always been told I am smart. I got so comfortable with the idea that I was smart that I stopped trying anything that might jeopardize this part of my identity. I quit when things get hard. Sometimes I lie to myself and tell myself that I could do something if I REALLY wanted to. Of course, I never really try because I might ruin the illusion, I have of myself. I also don’t try things unless I know I am going to succeed. Sometimes I will step out of my comfort zone with this.
Recently I signed up to become a certified personal trainer. I thought this would be a piece of cake since I was already passionate about health and fitness. Holy shit was I wrong. I am pretty sure I have failed every practice quiz, usually right after reading the material. I still need to print a schedule to see how far (if at all) I am with my studying. I have started to get my home gym set up with mats for my girls to play when I work out. I’d love to host small classes down there, but the fear of people not wanting to show up is already setting in. A few times I have debated about just giving up. It’s safer to not try then to try and fail.
I am determined to break my pattern though. I know how much I struggle with being perfect and judging my ability based on what I’ve done instead of my effort. I try so hard not to reward my daughter’s accomplishments but instead to reward her efforts. So far it sounds pretty awkward to say great job for trying. I keep trying to find something that sounds more natural and I am sure I’ll figure it out eventually.
I still have high expectations and attempt to get it all done, but instead of beating myself up I am going to get better at letting things go. The dishes might not get done every day, laundry will pile up and socks and underwear will never get put away, I am going to make mistakes, life is going to get in the way, but at the end of the day I am going to keep trying. Any step forward is better than not taking a step at all.
PS – I debated not making this post public until I had time to edit it (and make it perfect) You know what, screw it. If you have any questions or want more information on perfectionism or a fixed vs growth mindset shoot me an email 😊
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